i made $25 selling my plasma today, and everything went fine this time. they couldn't find my vein at first and kept digging the needle around under my skin, which hurt like hell. but i read my book and it only took an hour. when i got home, justin came over to fix our window-- the landlord boarded it up so we couldn't climb on the roof. he brought a drill and electric saw and cut through the wood. we climbed out on the roof for a while and smoked cigarettes. chris was there, and i haven't seen him since high school. i've run into a few high school people recently, none of my close friends, but people i was kind of freinds with. it feels really close and far away at the same time. three years ago chris sat across from me in AP art and made amazing prints while i drew things. and i ran into bojan the other day, and all i could think of was what he wrote in my yearbook the last week of school. that i had the most beautiful eyes he'd ever seen, and that he'd always regreted that he couldn't be with me-- until the day we had a bad arguement at lunch about computers, and whether they were really valuable, and the environment... i can't really remember anymore. but anyway.

once in 10th grade, my history teacher, who was about 60, was talking to me and gabe about when he was in high school. he said it was strange how high school had only been 4 years, and so long ago, but he remembered details of it so much more vividly than any other part of his life, like it was saturated with more meaning and importance than any other time. i can't imagine being old. already, when i remember being ten years younger (11 years old), i feel like i'm remembering being a different person. what do i really have in common with that person? what about when i'm 40 and i can remember being 5 or 6 different people in my life? how can anyone stay connected? it's so hard to look at a 70 year old person and imagine them being young.

and when i'm reading my book, each sentence goes into my brain, and i remember it. and i can remember what i've read in the book so far, and how it connects. but in a year, or even 6 months, i won't remember anything but the most basic things about the book. so strange. what's the point of doing anything when we'll just forget it all. that's why this diary is called "how to stop time".