nothing belongs to us except in our memories:

SEATTLE:
the market by the water, the sun against the water, eating mini donuts (a whole bag for $2) freezing hands covered in powdered sugar while we walked up and down hills looking for the bookstore. sitting there warming up with coffee and newspaper, then walking out in the dark to the bus stop, it felt like christmas, the lights and windows. the bus back to ballard where we made our dinner of eggs and bread. seattle glitters. derek knows his way through the maze of streets and we drove through the arboretum and beautiful neighborhoods.

walking with his friend matt to vivace for espresso and listening to them talk about high school. gasworks park at sundown. we sat and looked at the water silently for an hour. i walked up on the hill and took a picture of the sun glinting on the huge sundial. then we went to his brother's house in bothell, for more good food and sleeping in the living room. checking the weather for snow on the passes.

SPOKANE
we arrived at night and stayed with derek's friend sunny in his bachelor pad. had an argument about whether or not i seduced derek on our first date (i didn't). soaked in the hot tub outside in the dark. spent the next day indoors being deliciously lazy, playing with sunny's espresso maker.

MONTANA
left the next morning for montana. driving a 1981 VW rabbit that runs fine but almost everything on it doesn't work. doors only open from the inside, no windshield wipers, etc. derek was a little nervous about crossing the passes. there was some ice but we made it ok, somehow. he sings while he drives.

BILLINGS, MONTANA:
the first night we stayed with his friend raymond. he lives in an old hotel that he's slowly renovating. it was built at the turn of the century, but it's been abandoned since the 30s. there's no heat or water and the upstairs is still in complete disarray and filled with pigeons. we slept in the library, where it was freezing, under tons of blankets.

the kitchen is warm. we sat and talked with raymond and ate food. raymond is a seth expert, just like donna. i listened to him talk, with a glowing smile on my face.. it was just like talking to donna. he gave us many pearls of wisdom. he is old and opinionated and fascinating. everything in the hotel is red. he likes red. derek took a picture of me playing the antique piano in the drawing room. by the time i was done, my fingers were completely numb from the cold.

then we stayed with derek's mom for 3 days. she made me a little nervous, but i liked her. except derek and i had to pretend we weren't sleeping together, because she's conservative. he would go sleep in the living room at 5 am before she got up. we went hiking on the cliffs around the city, scrambling around on snowy rocks and climbing over barbed wire fences. we spent a lot of time while his mom was at work drinking coffee and being silly and laughing a lot.

there was something endearing watching his aunt and his mother dote on him. tall and thin with his shaggy hair, towering over them while they give him food. i loved his aunt margie. she was so positive about everything we told her. "well-- i'm sure spain will be great! you'll find a job, i'm sure you'll figure something out. you're so adventurous! oh derek, that sounds wonderful! it's all so exciting!" she made her famous cake for us.

i always like seeing where people grew up.

well i know you belong to everybody but you can't deny that i'm you--

one day he took a lot of 5-htp and it made his stomach hurt. sitting in the car at a red light he turned to me and said, "darlin'-- this may be the only time you'll ever hear me say this-- but-- i may have taken too much." what do you mean too much? *too much is never enough*

"living at double speed," he said. i said, "i met you 2 months ago. think how much has happened since then." if you looked at a list of all the things that we've gone through, it might seem awful.. but it's all been amazing..

by the way. i'm pregnant. yep. 2 weeks ago i took a test that came up negative, but on monday i took another one-- positive. abortions are a lot more expensive than i thought. $400 is the lowest i've been able to find. i don't want to tell my parents so he and i are splitting the cost. i was almost tempted to keep the kid, but i've done so many drugs since it was conceived, i'd be too afraid.. and we don't have enough money.

but in the last days i was in billings, we realized *the best kind of birth control is-- already being pregnant!*

i don't have words to describe some moments. they will remain silent.

MINNESOTA
i just got here today. at my parent's house. derek is staying in billings for a while, helping raymond with the hotel, then helping his friend move from denver to DC. we're going to meet up there in a few weeks. then spain.

i have 2 pictures of him in my mind. one is the day he got back from san francisco, i looked up and saw him in the kitchen, and i ran to hug him. that night/morning we spent 5 hours in bed holding each other. it was not part of this reality, something beyond... sometimes in the enchantment i forgot he was there, or i thought we were the same person... we still talk about it, the best morning ever. the other picture is right before i got on the bus, the way he looked at me with his blue eyes and glowing face. "goodbye lovely" he said. i almost cried when i sat down in the bus but i just looked at my hands and let it wash over me.