i've been taking a lot of walks to hawthorne.. i'm trying to hit up all my favorite places in between here and there. the park, certain houses, really overgrown sidewalks where you're walking through a green tunnel, little alleys, etc.

last night i was on such a walk, when i was crossing hawthorne and i noticed some people sitting on the steps of the "renaissance" apt building. one boy looked kind of like paul... then he was yelling "becky!" and it was paul, from minneapolis, who i saw at a show 3 weeks ago, and who i used to work with last year. he said, "what are you doing here?" i said, "i live here!" (with a faint glow of pride) he said that he and his friend had driven out here to visit olympia. two other people sitting on the steps were minnesota ex-pats like me.

unfortunately, that was the day i didn't take any medication, because i was trying to make up for the 6 i gave to gabe. i don't want to run out before i get another prescription. i figured i wouldn't be in any social situations; i'd spent the day cleaning and i was just walking to hawthorne to go to the bank. and i felt fine until now, standing by these steps trying to talk with these people. i froze up and that thing happened where i feel like i'm outside my body. it's not fun. i had a semi-coherent conversation with them for about 20 minutes, then i, gratefully, left.

i wasn't sure what i was supposed to do/say. the majority of my social interactions in the past year have been highly atypical, and they haven't prepared me at all for "normal" situations. no one's buying anything, no one's trying to tell if they can trust someone, there are no subtle power plays, no one is on massive amounts of drugs, it's just normal people, talking. scary.

hawthorne walk story #2: today i was walking along with my groceries, and i stopped in that shoe store and looked around, realized everything cost at least $100, and left. i was waiting for a light when this guy ran up to me and said, "i don't normally do this, but i'd really like to get your phone number and get to know you better. i saw you in that shoe store and i thought you were really beautiful." i was in my "walk daze," as usual, daydreaming in some other world, and it took a minute for this to register. "you want my phone number? ok." i rummaged around for a pen/paper. he didn't look like my type at all, but i thought, what the hell, i don't have anyone to hang out with.

speaking of "my type" i found this great article at the onion. called "I'm sorry, but I only date men my friends are afraid might kill me." read it

speaking of which.. my relations with c. have been extremely strained lately. for one thing, i can't stand how he's in love with me. and then the other night, i stopped by his place to talk and we were sitting on the bed, he put his arms around me, and i said, "let go" and tried to break free, but he held even tighter, and then i realized how strong he is, he had this iron grip on me. i struggled as hard as i could, and i was screaming "let go!" and kicking, and he finally let go and i jumped up and looked at him and told him he can't do that; i hate feeling trapped, he has to stop when i say so.

ever since then he keeps bringing it up as if i'm totally insane, saying "you never want to play" and "i was just hugging you" trying to make me feel like i was being unreasonable. all our conversations since then have ended in me walking out of his apartment, coming back here, locking the door, and not answering the phone when he calls. i keep forgiving him and trying to be friendly and then he always brings up that incident again. rrrrrrr.

also, i don't like being around him when he's high, which is always. i just despise that drug now, i hate the way it makes him act. it ruins a normal sense of moderation and control and being considerate. today he made breakfast for me and his dealer, ("don't call him my dealer; he's my friend." "um, he is your dealer") he started snapping at me when i suggested he turn the tv off, so i left. i love leaving, especially for a good cause.

the whole last 6 months or so, heroin addiction and getting over it, have really made me never take anything for granted anymore. donna (if i ever see her again), my apartment, portland, my happiness, my freedom, being in school, life, everything. i'm so grateful and amazed at everything now, like a little kid. i walk around and i feel like i'm reclaiming these places in my neighborhood. i guess i haven't really gone anywhere in portland since march when i started doing dope all the time. it feels like such a short time ago, kind of.

and i sit in this apartment and everything reminds me of donna, of course, since this place belongs to us equally. her room! the little things she loves. i sleep in her bed sometimes. i can't stand this indefinite separation. i just hope she's alive. am i being too paranoid? i can't tell.

i have this list of people i know, that i should call, so i don't spend all my time alone. it's so hard though. i used to just hang out with donna and people she knows. because i'm l.a.m.e.

the sun is setting. every single day i cannot get over how beautiful the view out my window is. the light hits my plants and makes tangled shadows on my pale yellow sheets.