and i almost started crying, actually i did, but i controlled myself because i didn't want him to think i was emotionally unstable on top of everything else. because in order to go back to school it depends on his letter, and the conversation the reed person has with him (i had to sign a release).. i kept trying to make him understand that i've changed, but he would not budge. he is not going to say anything that will convince them that i'm sufficiently better. they don't want me to relapse and overdose and have them left with the responsibility for it.

donna is always saying that when something happens, some part of you, whether conscious or unconscious, wanted that thing to happen, wanted to have that experience, and that's why it happened. i don't have to delve too deeply into myself to find that i that i wanted all this to happen. i was too curious about heroin, and addiction, and the mysterious world of buying and using street drugs, what it feels like on the inside, not reading about it or watching some movie. and now i know. and there is no possible way to explain what it's like to someone else to make them understand what it's REALLY like. (that's one of my obsessions, the inadequacy of communication).

that's why these "chemical health" fuckers are so unhelpful, they've just read a lot of books, and seen a lot of people relapse, but they don't know what's going on in these people's heads. there's a difference between someone who says "i'm not going to do it" but they do it, and someone who says the same thing, but they're serious and they really don't do it. but there's no way to tell other than being that person. and i am that person. but no one will believe me, not even gabe, and i feel like this little kid talking about the magical unicorn i saw, saying "no, REALLY, you have to believe me" and stomping my foot.

after the appointment i got in my car and i was so angry and upset, i started on the delicious thoughts like "fuck them, fine, just ruin my life, i don't give a fuck. i might as well just shoot up again, it doesn't even matter anymore, no one believes me, i can't go back to school, so why not, i might as well live up to their expectations..." but the fact is, i don't WANT to, so those thoughts weren't even gratifying. i don't care what they do, i'm not going to do it.

what if this is how parents taught their kids not to do drugs, saying "you're going to do drugs, you are, you're going to do it, yes you are.." i bet that would really help keep kids off drugs, huh? well everyone seems to think it will work for me.

one thing i do sometimes is try to make myself want heroin. i try to think like i used to think when i wanted it all the time, try to make those thoughts grow as big as they can. when i have the want feeling pretty big (tiny compared to how i used to want it, but bigger than normal)-- then i reject it. i don't even have to think of all the reasons i "shouldn't" do it, i just shatter the feeling with my very soul. i negate it, make it completely invalid. building up the want and then shooting it down. because i know there might be some time in the future when i want it more than i do right now, and i don't want that feeling to catch me off guard, i have to be used to rejecting it. that need/want feeling can be overpowering when it does happen to me.

i'm leaving tomorrow at 6 am. i should start packing.

then the anguish of return, i won't say where, i can't, to absence perhaps, you must return, that's all i know, it's misery to stay, misery to go. -beckett

yesterday i met softblossoms in person. we rode bikes to hard times and talked for a long time. it was, a little surprisingly, fun, and not awkward. i liked her a lot. we have similar taste in books. and she said this really cool thing about a mushroom trip when she forgot who/where/what she was, and during the experience she kept thinking about how "reality is this piece of paper and we can just poke holes in it." i told her to read seth.

back at the house, i played with gabe in the basement. he put on music he thought i would like, and i did yoga and knitted and wrote in my book. it's really dark and icky down there. my medication was making me drunk because i took too much. (4 in one day instead of 3). being the "substance abuser" that i am, i've found that if i take it on an empty stomach and drink coffee, i feel it more, especially if i don't eat much all day. if i take 2 at once i get dizzy and crazy feeling. but then my hoarding instinct kicks in "if i take 2 now, i won't have enough for later!"

i took more pictures of people, playing risk in the kitchen, and gathered all my things from around the house, and left. i keep thinking, i really like it here, and i like all the people, but, but what, i don't know. oh, the pine trees. the mountains, the green, the crazy people i know, the way the streets look. and being on the edge, the edge of the world, edge of a continent, you can't go any further because you're already there, you're in the dream, in the future tense of a past dream.