some sad singers they just play tragic. On tuesday joanie and isabelle and I saw Bright Eyes. They played at this bar, tiny compared to where they normally play. Everyone thought tickets would run out, so there was a line all the way around the block hours before the show started. My friends got there early and saved me a spot at the front. :) During the opening band Conor wandered around the crowd and stood right next to me and Isabelle, while we whispered about him. He was dancing maniacally while most everyone else stood still. Also, he's almost as short as me and seems a lot skinnier than when I first saw him, years ago.

He had a 7 piece band-- trumpet, trombone, keyboard, vibraphone, bells, etc, and everything sounded amazing, and we were right up front. The highlight of the show for Isabelle was when Conor's pants slipped down a little and she whispered to me, "Butt cleavage!!" Everyone in the crowd noticed at the same time and started giggling, but he played a few songs before someone in front motioned to him and said something. At first he didn't understand, then he pulled his pants up and said into the microphone, "She said something about being a plumber, but I thought she said 'Can you be a bummer without a band?' Yeah, I can be a bummer any time, any place, I don't need anything. I don't even need a guitar to be a bummer." said haltingly while sitting at the keyboard, looking down, hair over face. aw, poor conor.

So I went to the psychiatrist the other day, and got a prescription for neurontin! He was very reasonable. I said, "I took it before and it worked." and he said, "well, I'll give you a prescription for it." And when he asked me about how much/often I took it, I said, "I didn't have a prescription, my friend gave it to me." And he didn't even bat an eye. I could have gotten a benzo, like klonopin, but I thought it would be a bad idea to have regular access to a physically addicting drug that makes you feel like everything's ok. Aren't I responsible?

neurontin is not addicting, and it's better because it doesn't change my personality, just takes away the irrational thoughts and microanalysing everything I do around people. I did some tests on myself after I started taking it, tried thinking about the worst things that usually cause dark/anxious thoughts, and I felt fine. And I was less tense around people, but not so uninhibited that i got naked and told everyone my secrets (that's me on klonopin). of course, when we used to get neurontin from people we'd take 6 times as much and get really high, so there's always that option.

even at this low dose, it makes me feel a little floaty, and it's harder to balance when I do yoga. i can still do tree pose but i teeter.

I've been trying to write with capitals lately, it seems more polished or something, and it's more legible. but as i write diary entries or emails, i slowly stop using capitals until near the end i give up completely. i think it's just laziness. and all those capitals seem so intrusive.

i'm going to see donna in a week! a week, a week, a week, a week, la la la. well, almost a week, if i round it down. and as long as she reconnects with sam. she's wandering around san francisco and he's in some town somewhere. god, i wish i were in san francisco. she has $17. she called me yesterday from a BART station.