telling me what my parents should do with me is so wrong. you know nothing about me or my parents or anything that's going on. they did intervene drastically. and since you asked, no, nothing terrible happened to me as a child. nothing terrible has ever happened to me. i don't believe in terrible things, unless they really are terrible, like getting raped or something. nothing so far has given me reason to be "troubled." and i may do things that could be called "self-destructive", but i have never in my life engaged in "self-hatred", i love myself and i always have and i always will (and i'm not too happy today but i still love myself).

i suppose one of my biggest problems is caring too much what others think of me, and i wish people who are deeply annoyed by this diary would just stop reading it instead of telling me how immature and incoherent i am. but then again, i should learn to not care.. to just let it flow over me.

yesterday i talked to donna for 2 hours on the phone. i love her more than i have ever loved anything... we talked about letting things flow over you. we talked about getting each other's names tattooed on ourselves. i got a lot of pictures developed yesterday, and there is a whole roll that donna and i took of each other, sitting in my room laughing, we were so happy, the night before we went to san francisco.

right now i feel like everything is very pure and there is a white light shining over me. love. i used to just be sitting somewhere, drinking tea, or taking a walk, and suddenly my brain would swell and i'd think "i'm so in love!" but i never knew what i was in love with.. everything. i feel that now.

i told gabe i was sad because i had to leave portland in the summer, and he said, "it's summer here too!" a good point. today on the bus a guy got on and sat behind me and said, "where did you get that necklace?" i told him my friend got it for me in spain. he said, "i could feel your energy when i got on the bus. you have very good energy". i smiled and said thank you. "you aren't from here, are you?" i said, "yes, i was born here". he said he was from florida. then he tried a bunch of lame pick up lines on me, like, "you should come to my studio sometime." "where's your studio?" "right here!" (pointing to himself). he strenuously tried to convince me to go on a date with him, right there, but i told him i had to go and got off at my stop.

i get nervous talking to people so i just smile a lot. i spend a lot of time alone so it always makes me happy when someone talks to me randomly on the bus, or wherever, and i smile at them but don't know what to say.

it's strange that i would come across as troubled to someone who doesn't know me.. all my life i've considered myself extremely lucky, and i've always felt i was happier than almost anyone. i've spent a lot of time trying to figure out what makes me so much happier and more stable than a lot of people. i think i was just blessed with good brain chemistry. now that i know what it feels like when my brain chemistry is out of whack, i'm even more grateful that i am naturally happy almost all the time. my main problem has always been connecting with people-- showing emotions, being understood, letting people in. i always thought that maybe if i weren't so happy i would reach out to people more because i would need to. being self-contained has its drawbacks sometimes.