i just wanted to write a new entry because that last one was so depressing. i feel a bit better today, although discouraged because the soonest appointment with a therapist i could get is in 2 weeks. i need help now.
but i'm happy because wateryone wrote about a rock with water inside it and anne carson and i love anne carson!
i'm surprised that i'm not in any withdrawal, a little tired maybe, but no physical symptoms. i slept just fine last night. i did heroin on and off for the past month, and i did it every day for the past week. i thought i would at least have to endure some discomfort.
it's funny how little people understand addiction. like my mother. "if you didn't quit then you might have gotten addicted!" "but i WAS addicted, physically, mentally, everything." or she says, "why did you do it again? i thought you didn't have cravings." cravings? i think my entire self is one big craving.
it's like when the doctor hits your knee to check your reflex. it's a reflex. *shut it out* slam. *shut it out* look away. *i don't even want to know what it is, just shut it out before i have time to think about it.* it's kind of the same impulse that makes people ascetics. rejection. of everything.
and the chain of actions in preparing your shot, that you do as mindlessly as possible, as quickly as possible, until the final moment, and then it's all over and you don't have to think about anything anymore. a reflex.
i don't know why that kind of rejection became so appealing to me, someone who is in love with everything (most of the time). i guess if you do it enough times it creates its own need.