today i had another hours long conversation with donna on the phone while i sobbed about irrational nonsense, until i took a klonopin, which only helped a tiny bit. donna helped me calm down and she narrowed down my problems.. my brain chemistry is fucked from doing heroin on and off, that's why i keep freaking out (she reminded me that i've NEVER been like this before, it's very out of character). so my first priority should be to stop, permanently, not just for a few days. and since it is increasingly impossible to avoid here, i have to leave.

first, i was going to take the bus to redding, california, where she and sam are living for the summer, but in my irrationally miserable state, all i could feel was guilt that my parents are helping me so much, and they don't even get to see me. i decided to call my mom, because it's always a reality check to talk to them when i'm feeling guilty-- they aren't really disappointed in me, they just want the best for me, they wish they could see me more but it's not worth feeling guilty about.

to my parents, my first priority is to finish my papers from last semester, since i had to leave the semester early. they kept saying, "the most important thing is for you to finish those papers!" and i kept interjecting "and to stop doing heroin!!" i don't think they realize what an insane compulsion it is for me, maybe because i haven't told them the embarrassing details. i just told them i did it a few times.

so they decided the best thing would be for me to go home again, so i can work on the papers in peace, and when i'm done i can go to california to be with donna. this is a good plan for me right now, since my brain is so out of whack, almost anything having to do with my parents crushes me with guilt. but at least if i'm there i won't have anything to feel guilty about, cause i'll be spending a lot of time with them and doing the right thing.

now that i'm learning to hate heroin, and now that i want to quit on my own, not because people are forcing me to do it, i think if i stay clean for 2 months my brain chemistry will stabilize, and i won't be thinking about heroin every second of the day like i was before, and i can come back to portland. and at least this time i won't have to go through withdrawal when i get to my parent's house.

i was scared, so before i broke the news to c. i wanted us to be high. so we went to score and wasted $50 on coffee wrapped to look like "negra" or "chiva" (black tar heroin). after he cooked it up in the spoon he said, "fuck!! this is just coffee" and shot a little up just to be sure. in a blind rage we drove back to downtown and found an awesome mexican dude who sold us the real deal. (never trust black guys with chiva, it's coffee).

i got sooooo high cause i was on klonopin, i was stumbling around talking in a southern accent, but eventually i had to tell him "i'm leaving." we were both high and stupid, and in a miscommunication he thought i meant forever, like, i'm moving away from portland and never coming back. after about 40 minutes of mutual misery, something i said clued him in to the fact that it's only for 2 months, and he actually god mad because he'd gotten all upset for nothing. for me, 2 months feels the same as forever, so it didn't make much of a difference.

i am really really sad to leave portland (again) but in the month that i've been here, i haven't even been able to enjoy myself... my old cure for depression was going to powell's to read magazines but i tried that yesterday and i just wanted to cry, so i left. portland is my favorite place ever but i can only enjoy it if donna's here and if my brain is in its normal, happy state... i suppose portland will still be here in 2 months... it's strange how i can't imagine anything further away than a few weeks, but i have to trust that the future exists.

my life is so crazy, i can't figure it out. i feel great now. but only because i'm high. i have never been so depressed as i was earlier today, on the phone with donna, when everything seemed like it could never get better. oh well. i'm sure everything will be ok, it always is. and i'll never again have to wonder what addiction feel like,
I FUCKING KNOW.