last night i left the house for the first time, i met virginia and joanie at the bright eyes show. i was still really sick and i had to sit down for most of it, up in the balcony. for the first half i was incredibly cold, wearing 3 sweaters while everyone else was in a tshirt. then i became really hot and took off all my layers and spent the rest of the show sweating buckets.

it was kind of a culture shock to be there. i stopped going places when i started doing dope, besides school, and buying more dope. last night i was so dazzled by all the beautiful alive people, fresh faced indie boys with good haircuts, etc.. at first i felt really strange and i kept thinking "these people have no idea what i just went through" but then i got over myself. even though i feel better, everything makes me want to cry constantly, starting with when they projected "peter pan" on the screen in between arab strap and bright eyes. they had the sound off and were playing music in the background, and for some reason i felt extremely emotional about peter pan. i don't ever want to grow up... then i kept almost crying during all the bright eyes songs. feeling really tragic is fun sometimes. and he played that song i keep thinking about, "lately i've been wishing i had one desire, something that would make me never want another..."

it's so true, though. i remember when donna and i were looking at all the pretty stores on 23rd and admiring things we could never afford-- i used to get annoyed when i really wanted something and i couldn't afford it, but that day i kept thinking, "whatever. i like heroin better." so strange. yeah, yesterday i couldn't stop thinking about it, i don't think i stopped thinking about it once even when i was talking to people. it was intense. but today i didn't think about it much. i wonder what will happen to me.

it's so surreal to awaken from a month of being high all the time and then being miserable for 4 days. i keep remembering things about life. i know that things i did used to make me extremely happy, i just have to remember how that works again. little things. last night gabe slept here and this morning/afternoon after i "woke up" from not sleeping all night, we read the paper and drank coffee for 3 hours. reading the paper used to be my obsessive practice every sunday, but i haven't done it for months, out of apathy, and today was the first day i was well enough to read again. i don't know how it's possible to be so sick you can't read, but i was there. i was even too sick to watch movies, because i couldn't get comfortable.

c. has been calling me every day. apparently there's some sketchy dude sleeping in my room, a friend of sam's. (i gave c. a key so he could water my plants.) i told donna that sam and his friend could stay there, cause he lost his job, but i forgot that she's going to be at her parent's house for a week. so c. says this guy is just chilling in my room all day, burning cds on my computer, listening to my records... i've never met him, but knowing what a con man sam is, i have little faith in the trustworthiness of his friends... i just hope he doesn't steal my shit or something.