facts about becky:
i'm really stubborn
i like danger/risks
i like extremes
donna says i might be the most willful person she knows
i always have to find things out for myself
i'm insanely curious about everything
i'm interested in everything
i like testing my limits
i don't have boundaries of what i won't do
i love new things/experiences

i refuse to be a victim. my fucking counselor won't believe a word i say and insists that there's something wrong with me because i'm not afraid, because i didn't do "what most people would do." fuck that. what's the point of thinking about everything in such a negative way? how does it help me to try to convince me that i'm more fucked up than i think i am?

i never realized before how different my belief system is from most people's. and i hate that way of thinking-- the way she talks to me, like nothing is within my control, i'm in denial, everything is something i should be afraid of, if i'm not "normal" i should be worried. everything is based on fear.

so the plan is, i'm not going to do any tomorrow. or saturday. then i'll see how i feel. but maybe withdrawal won't be that bad. who knows. last dose was: 6 pm. scary. before it wears off i always feel like quitting. then the next day i change my mind.

more and more i'm realizing that the one thing i hate most is fear. and people who don't believe they can control their life, or people who don't believe i can control my life. i'm so fucking in control right now, you don't even know. i have no regrets. i've gone through worse. (thank you, gabe, for making every bad experience seem not that bad at all.)

from here
"...they aren't diseased addicts. They simply found a drug they really liked. They took it too often and their metabolism changed so that stopping is painful."

very well said!