2. i got back from vancouver tuesday night. in the seattle bus station, i talked to this guy who had just gotten out of rehab. he told me all these crazy stories about his life, like how he'd watched his parents shoot up all through his childhood, and rolled joints for them when he was 3. they were italian mafia gunrunners and they never got caught. he told me about the prophetic dreams he had about the events that landed him in rehab. it sounded a lot like my life in the past few months. he was really nice and bought me a soda since i had no money. after a while his girlfriend and their kids came to pick him up. she was really pretty and i felt happy about them.

while i was standing in line for the portland bus, i overheard another guy talking to someone. he had been living in seattle for a few months, but that day he got a really bad feeling about it and decided he had to leave. "i've never had such a bad feeling about something," he said. he was warning this other girl not to come back if she could help it. everyone waiting in the line with us seemed like kindred spirits and i felt like we were all escaping something horrible in seattle. i think i'm crazy.

3. i took a long walk today and enjoyed the sun on my arms. it smelled like cut grass and flowers. i always try to rush summer. summer is my lost dream always out of reach.

4. no, it's not just pure pleasure like they say. it's something else. something else entirely, like a different planet. i'm trying to understand. it's not pleasure, but it's still the infinite experiment. because it's never over. they know that just as the word leaves their lips, it will never quite escape.

5. we could find new ways of living, make playing only logical harm. we could talk the old times, play making, and nothing else will change. she puts the weights into my little heart and she gets in my room and she takes it apart. and i'll never see this place again. heaven is never enough.

6. it's getting dark.