I want to go back to Portland SO BAD. Maybe I can convince them to let me leave by the 5th of August. That would be amazing. Then I could console myself that I didn't miss the whole summer there. Why do I care so much about spending summer in Portland? I have no idea. It's just something to get fixated on.

I always have this fear of running out of time. not having enough time. That's why I like to get up early. And I feel like I'm running out of time to be in Portland. Maybe Natalie's dream was right, we do know when we're going to die and live accordingly, and if I'm going to die when I'm 23 then I should feel like I'm running out of time, right?

[and i really can go home now, because c. FINALLY stopped doing dope, at the last possible minute, because his job was on the verge of finding out & firing him. i guess i always do things best under pressure, too. it's been more than a week for him.. so if he's still clean in 2 weeks i think it'll be ok. not that i would do it even if he had it!! fuck that shit.]

Last night my dad and I went to Mahler's 1st symphony at Orchestra Hall. It's one of my favorites... It's the only symphony my orchestra played in full. I've heard it so many times. You know when you know something so well that it's pointless to listen to it, because your brain is playing all the notes in your head before they happen? Yeah. But I always go to Mahler symphonies. it's like a pilgrimage.

And I saw my favorite second violinist, but he has a girlfriend (I think, because I saw him hugging a girl). So I guess I won't stalk him. I used to wish I could be some anonymous second violin instead of the lone harp player, with my harp sticking out of the back of the orchestra like a sore thumb. I always inadvertently do things that make me not fit in whatever group I'm trying to fit in.

I read this thing in the NY Times about Buddhist advice for how to avoid eating. Most of it was silly stuff like take deep breaths and focus energy on your stomach, but I liked one thing-- whenever a thought about food comes into your head, think "Thought arising." I found that amusing. So I started doing it with other thoughts too, like irrationally negative stupid thoughts that I don't even believe. So when I'm anxious and my brain sends me something like "I hate everything," I respond "THOUGHT ARISING!!" ha ha ha ha. It makes me feel powerful. I've been having a lot of fun with that, in my head world.